Grace
Grace, defined as courteous goodwill or the charming quality of being polite and pleasant; a willingness to be fair and forgive.
Stress, anxiety, thoughts of the unknown, and changes to our daily life can bring out the worst in all of us. Make the choice to exercise grace, toward yourself and others, during this challenging time. Give everyone the benefit of the doubt and a little grace right now – significant others, family, friends and co-workers. Everyone you know will have moments when they are not at their best, particularly during this stressful period. Don’t show up to every argument you are invited to, and don’t hold grudges or continue arguments. See everyone as doing the best they can in these difficult times. A little grace can go a long way and we all benefit from it. Talk to one another and keep the lines of communication open, minimize stress by being respectful of everyone involved.
5 Steps to help a colleague who might be depressed and contemplating suicide
*Adapted from “Is your physician colleague at risk for suicide? Signs to look for.” (American Medical Association, Aug 2019)
- Be aware of multiple stressors. Invite conversations about general stressors: caseload, recent loss of a patient, malpractice, COVID-19 related stressors, a professional identity crisis, or professional isolation.
- Don’t worry too much about knowing the “right thing” to say. Just begin the conversation. Express interest and express caring. It is sufficient to begin with, “How are you doing today?”
- Use your instincts. When warranted, don’t hesitate to ask about self-harm. It will not increase the chances that someone will commit suicide.
- Consider what assistance to offer. Remind your colleague that depression, stress or distress are temporary and treatable. You may suggest referring a colleague to a therapist or employee assistance program or offering help with managing a caseload.
- Rely upon your relationship as a colleague. Your caring and concern should be offered in the spirit of, “Let’s do this together and get you the help you need.”
Compassion
Meaningful connection can occur even from the recommended 6 feet of social distance between you and your neighbor – and it begins with compassion. Compassion is the intention to be of benefit to others, and it starts in the mind. Practically speaking, compassion starts by asking yourself one question as you go about your day and connect – virtually and in person – with others: How can I help this person to have a better day? With that simple question, amazing things begin to happen. The mind expands, the eyes open to who and what is really in front of us, and we see possibilities for ourselves and others that are rich with hope and ripe with opportunity.
What your coworker needs right now is compassion
The wellness tips for today is an excerpt from What Your Coworkers Need Right Now Is Compassion by Amy Gallo, which appeared in the Harvard Business Journal on March 30, 2020.
“…here are a few things I’m trying to remind myself every day to conscientiously and deliberately lean into empathy and kindness.
My coworkers and I don’t see the world in the exact same way and that’s OK.
We have different ways of coping with uncertainty, grief, and stress.
They are under pressures that I don’t always see and can’t fully understand (and probably aren’t entirely my business).
It’s not helpful to me or to them to compare our challenges.
We are all doing the best we can.
It’s not always easy to be patient and understanding, especially with everything going on. But I’m going to keep trying because it’s what my coworkers and I deserve.”
Part 1: Working parents, making friendships part of your routine
Today’s wellness tip is from an article by Neal J. Roese and Kyle S. H. Dobson that appeared in the Harvard Business Review
Working Parents, Make Friendships a Part of Your Routine, Part 1.
Monica gently tucks her two-year-old son Hudson into bed. She had just finished up work as a senior manager at a global bank. As she quietly closes the door to her son’s bedroom, her mind flips back to the documents she still needs to review in preparation for an early meeting the next morning. She had hoped to call a friend back first but she just doesn’t have the time (or energy) tonight.
For Monica and many other parents managing challenging careers, a fundamental struggle is balancing work versus family. Whether parenting toddlers or teenagers, working parents can find it difficult to divide their time while still feeling successful and committed in both areas. Friendships barely register in this balancing act. That’s a big problem. Basic research in psychology shows that friends are a key contributor to not only the mental well-being of working parents but their career success as well.
Friends matter. We share our innermost secrets with our closest friends, and we can count on them in an emergency. Research shows that close friendships are pivotal to both psychological and physical well-being. Close friendships bring stronger emotional well-being. Friends benefit our basic physiology, as shown by studies that link social connections to cellular-level protection against disease. For instance, we are less likely to catch a cold if we have a solid network of friends. Indeed, having a solid friendship network can reduce mortality as much as 50%. Friends also boost work performance. For one thing, friends (who do not work at your company) give you an “outside view” that can unlock new insights and open your eyes to broader perspectives. For another, friends are a stress reducer. A happy hour after work with friends after a challenging workday, even virtually, may calm the mind as well as the body.
Even if parents recognize the importance of their friends, it’s all too easy to let those get-togethers fall to the bottom of the priority list. In fact, the time spent with friends drops steadily over our lifespan; from its peak in the teen years, the fastest decline happens in our 20s and 30s, which is precisely the age range in which children first enter our lives.
Part 2: Working parents, making friendships part of your routine
Today’s wellness tip is from an article by Neal J. Roese and Kyle S. H. Dobson that appeared in the Harvard Business Review
Working Parents, Make Friendships a Part of Your Routine, Part 2.
Friendships are nurtured by simple shared experience, like attending the same class, sweating at the same gym, or even sharing the same elevator in your apartment complex. So it is no surprise that friendships are reinforced through focused sharing – think book clubs and wine tasting events. But staging these focused get-togethers is tough when you have children, and tougher still when your best friend lives on the other side of the continent – or the planet!
The solution we are exploring in our scholarly research is one we call bundling. Bundling is the creation of shared experience by way of combining, or bundling together, two friends’ mundane life tasks. Rather than carving out unique time for a book club, pick a task that you do anyway on your own, like shopping for groceries, cooking dinner, or even reading bedtime stories. Then, connect it with a friend who is doing that same thing by using technology. For instance, when it’s time to shop for groceries, shop at the same time as your friend but talk to them on your Airpods while you shop. When it’s time to cook dinner, connect with your friend on Facetime and share your kitchen tricks on video. When it’s time to read a bedtime story to your kids, connect on Zoom and let your friend’s kids listen in. The special sauce behind bundling is that you need not be in the same place, just the same time.
Bundling allows us to include friends in our messy lives. Unlike a happy hour, bundling doesn’t sacrifice any of our precious free time – and you don’t even need to leave the house. Rather, bundling allows us to leverage our current activities as parents to simultaneously strengthen our friendships. Integrating our friends into the necessary parts of our lives makes us more authentic by showing our friends what is really happening behind the scenes (as opposed to the happy front we display in Facebook posts). This kind of intimate self-disclosure and vulnerability is a key ingredient for maintaining close relationships. Bundling can be quick, too. It may only take a weekly call while you clean your living room to make you feel close to a friend who lives in another city.
The great news about bundling is that we now live in a time of abundance in tech solutions to help us share our moments. Many working parents are discovering a plethora of tech products for connecting online, especially now with so many of us social distancing. As you consider the power of bundling, the following tech options are just the tip of the iceberg:
- Use Zoom or Skype while cooking. Try cooking or baking the same thing as your friend in real time, all the while watching each other’s creations unfold.
- Use Marco Polo to create brief video messages in the moment for viewing by your friend later in the day. Keep it short and keep it real.
- Use noise cancelling earbuds to talk on the phone (yes, the phone) while doing housework, like emptying the dishwasher, doing laundry, or cleaning up.
- Use Facetime or Duo while grocery shopping. Show off the odd and esoteric items you buy for your kids.
- Simulate the movie theater experience with your family and friend’s family. Click play on Hulu or Netflix on the phone at the same time, hang up, and then talk about the movie after it’s over. If the movie is a comedy, try adding a voice-only connection to your friend’s house so that you can hear the reaction to the funny bits; laughter is infectious.
- Working the same time as friends? Use Slack instead of text messaging to keep each other up to date with your goals, focused, and connected throughout the workday. Make a virtual coffee shop with video and your own home brew.
- Parents with careers have an enormous challenge in time management, but that challenge can actually be assisted, not worsened, by taking the time to connect with friends. There are many ways to keep in touch with your friends without sacrificing who you are. Encourage your friends to bundle their tasks with you; it may well help the both of you without adding any extra effort or stress. Any time you intend to do something alone, ask yourself if there’s a way you can include a friend.
Teaching your children resilience during hard times
Today’s wellness tip is an excerpt from “Teaching your children resilience for hard times? These kids’ books are all about it” by Jen Rose Smith, CNN.
As Covid-19 infections continue to rise, many families are left explaining to children that the challenges of pandemic life – from missed social events to physical distancing – aren’t likely to end soon. But while this pandemic is unlike anything the world has faced in living memory, previous generations of children and youth have lived, grown and even thrived through great hardship. Their stories can be models of resilience, said children’s book author and librarian Glenda Armand…whose book “Love Twelve Miles Long” recounts the story of a young Frederick Douglass.
“You want to have role models for kids who are going through difficult times,” Armand said. “It gives them tools to cope with what’s going on, and shows that these times don’t last forever.”
Reading about historic hardship can also offer valuable context, said children’s literature expert Leonard Marcus.
“Children tend to live in the present,” he said. “Part of their maturing and education is learning to put the present in a larger context.”
That doesn’t mean parents must turn reading time into a history class. Instead, sharing a book should be an opportunity to spark curiosity and conversations.
“I would start by really listening closely to your child’s reactions,” Marcus said.
Children can learn resilience in all kinds of ways, Marcus emphasized. Their role models don’t even have to be human, he said, noting that he loves the Newbery Award-winning chapter book “The One and Only Ivan,” whose protagonist is a gorilla held captive in a shopping mall. “It’s a book about empathy,” he said, “so it has a lot to offer without being obvious about it.”
If your child is experiencing grief, loss, fear or other hard feelings, the books can be a way to explore them, Kirby McCurtis, president of the Association of Library Service to Children, said.
“A child who might not be ready to talk about a challenging subject – they can see themselves in a book.”
For older kids, McCurtis said that not only can reading help with coping and processing, but that stories can be a bridge to reimagining the future.
“With teens there are so many dystopian novels,” she said. “That’s an easy way to make that connection because right now feels a bit like a dystopian reality. That can be a really interesting coping mechanism for teens, but it’s in a different way. It’s sort of like: Let’s get creative in the aftermath.”
These are some expert-recommended books for kids of all ages learning to cope, put things in context and get creative.’
For Elementary Schoolers
“Love Twelve Miles Long” by Glenda Armand, illustrated by Colin Bootman
“Kenta and the Big Wave” by Ruth Ohi
“Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry” by Mildred D. Taylor
For Middle Schoolers
“Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl” by Anne Frank
“Island of the Blue Dolphins” by Scott O’Dell
“Home of the Brave” by Katherine Applegate
“Out of the Dust” by Karen Hesse
For High Schoolers
“Last Train from Kummersdorf” by Leslie Wilson
“The Fault in Our Stars” by John Green
“First They Killed My Father: A Daughter of the Cambodian Genocide Remembers” by Loung Ung
“Love Is the Drug” by Alaya Dawn Johnson
Part 1: How to help kids cope with pandemic stress
Today’s wellness tip is Part 1 of a 2-part excerpt from “Kids Feel Pandemic Stress Too. Here’s How To Help Them Thrive“ by Patti Neighmond, CNN.
During these stressful times, children may also experience behavior changes like moodiness, anger and even tantrums, according to child psychologist Mary Alvord who studies trauma and resilience. What parents need to be on the lookout for, says Alvord, are behavior changes that affect day-to-day functioning. This includes things like eating, sleeping and interactions with friends. If parents notice such major changes in day-to-day functioning, they might want to consult with a therapist, she says. Otherwise, here are some ideas to try yourself at home.
Model calm
So what are parents to do? The first step in helping your child, she says: Look inward. That’s because, she says, children and teens pick up the level of stress in their parents. They don’t always understand what’s going on, but they can feel the tension. So, the more calm a parent can be, the more they’re reassuring their child, she says.
Of course, staying calm clearly isn’t always easy and often requires a conscious effort. Create a mini break for yourself to reset your own stress levels. “It might mean you go into the bathroom and lock the door for 10 minutes if you need to kind of chill out and have your own space,” she suggests. “It may mean you go for a fast walk to reduce any tension that you have.”
Focus on what’s working
Another way to help: Shift focus from your child’s worrisome behavior, says Alvord. Instead pay attention to what’s going right and reinforce it.
Try saying things like, “you look really upset, but you talked about it, you stayed calm, you used an ‘indoor voice’, and you asked for what you needed.” She says it’s important to teach kids, even at a young age, to figure out what they want and to assert themselves.
Create soothing spaces
Some parents have found it helpful to help their children create soothing spaces just for them, places they can go when they need to feel better. Barnet Pavao-Zuckerman lives in Silver Spring Maryland and has two children, Evelyn, 10, and a son Sagan, 7. Not long after the pandemic began, Evelyn built a fort for herself “a little cozy corner in her room that’s totally enclosed with a Harry Potter cape and a Portuguese flag and some other fabric,” says Pavao-Zuckerman. “When she’s just feeling anxious or upset, she goes and sits in that little corner.”‘
Part 2: How to help kids cope with pandemic stress
Today’s wellness tip is Part 2 of a 2-part excerpt from “Kids Feel Pandemic Stress Too. Here’s How To Help Them Thrive“ by Patti Neighmond, CNN.
During these stressful times, children may also experience behavior changes like moodiness, anger and even tantrums, according to child psychologist Mary Alvord who studies trauma and resilience. What parents need to be on the lookout for, says Alvord, are behavior changes that affect day-to-day functioning. This includes things like eating, sleeping and interactions with friends. If parents notice such major changes in day-to-day functioning, they might want to consult with a therapist, she says. Otherwise, here are some ideas to try yourself at home.
Support kids’ friendships
Connections to friends are important for kids’ psychological development, Alvord says, especially for teens. “Are they losing friends or are they disconnected?” she says. “Because while we need to physically distance, we need to make sure we’re all socially connected.”
There are ways for kids to maintain friendships even with all the necessary precautions to avoid transmission. Alvord advises parents to encourage their children to connect whether it be physical distanced activities or online activities like video cuts, texting, phone calls and social media.
Encourage hobbies
With so many things that are beyond our control right now, Alvord suggests parents try discussing “some things their children can, in fact, control. For example, how they spend their time, what hobbies they engage in and enjoy, how they interact with family and friends, even what they can do to stay safe.”
Have open and honest conversations
When children are clearly sad or upset, the best gift parents can give them is time, says psychiatrist Joshua Morganstein, who chairs a committee on the psychiatric dimensions of disaster for the American Psychiatric Association. “Sit with them and give them time, time to wait and listen to what they have to say.” He says this lets the child know that, number one, they are ‘worth waiting for’ and that you will try to understand what they’re going through.”
And be honest, he says, when talking with your child no matter what their age. That might mean admitting you don’t know the answer to a question about the pandemic, and offering to look it up together. This models the attitude you want them to develop as they grow older, he says.
Build a hopeful vision of the future
Being honest and direct is actually a way of teaching your child to feel hopeful, he says. “Hope isn’t about pretending that everything’s OK; it’s about recognizing that things can be very, very difficult and that in the midst of all of that, we can still find ways to grow as individuals and as a family and to strengthen our connection with each other and with the people we care about.”
Learning these things, he says, can help “sustain a vision of a more hopeful future.”‘
Checking in on your strong friends
Today’s wellness tip is an excerpt from “Why you should be checking in on your ‘strong’ friends” by Danielle Layton.
It’s not always easy to tell when someone is struggling. Some people hold their emotions inside and appear to be the “strong friend.” That person seems to have it all together and will offer themselves as a consistent and trusted confidant. But for that reason, their emotional wellness can often be overlooked by those closest to them.
“The strong friend is everybody’s go-to person, and they hurt the most. Not only are they carrying your stuff, they’re carrying their own stuff too,” explained Darrah Ferguson, a licensed graduate professional counselor. “They are the ones that are most compassionate or the most empathetic and struggle to turn those qualities that they give to others onto themselves. This then leads to mental health issues like depression and low self-esteem or just feeling inadequate because they’re not able to do for themselves what they do for others.”
Ferguson recommended paying attention to signs that indicate when your strong friend could need a friend themselves. Irritability (i.e. mood swings), sleep irregularities (i.e. oversleeping or sleep deficiency), diet changes and negative self-talk are some of the many signs that can indicate that it’s time to reach out.
Below, she offers advice for starting a conversation with a strong friend that can lead to an open and honest discussion.
1. Strong people are human, too.
Just because your strong friend never talks about their bad days doesn’t mean they never have one. Think about the things you would want that friend to ask you, and try to put yourself in their shoes. “Treat your strong friend like you would want to be treated by them,” Ferguson said. This should help shape your approach to the conversation you’re trying to have.
2. Challenge those generic responses to “How are you?”
When someone asks “How are you?” it is often answered as a closed question. So instead of giving your strong friend the opportunity to vaguely answer, “I’m fine” and move on, challenge their answer by asking “Why are you fine?” or “What stood out to you today?” This helps keep the conversation going and shows your interest in their feelings from the start.
3. Establish the foundation of the relationship
Determine the intentions of each party in the conversation to make sure the needs and wants are clear for both. When someone in your life knows what you expect from them, they have the chance to reflect on whether they are able to meet those needs or not. Have affirming conversations by expressing how much you love them, care for them and want to see them succeed.
Bottom line: Remember to check-in on the people who support you.
Reaching out
Today’s wellness tip is an excerpt from “Staying Strong During Lockdown Means Reaching Out — And Working Your Mind, Too“ by April Fulton.
It can be tempting, as the pandemic wears on, to shut down — to escape into TV binging, social media and other inadequate ways of blocking out the stress and fears of illness or economic disaster.
Dr. Maryland Pao, the clinical director of the National Institutes of Mental Health Intramural Research Program and a psychiatrist who regularly sees children with life-threatening illnesses, says she’s seen striking similarities between the ways her young patients deal with their diagnoses, and how lots of people are responding as we roll past month 5 of the pandemic.
We all tend to default to two styles of coping, Pao explains: “You can be an active coper or you can be a passive coper.”
The active copers — the ones who pick up hobbies or take an interest in others and the world around them — generally have better mental health outcomes, Pao notes.
Taking on new activities “gives us internal control — when outside there is no control,” Pao says. “People need to feel a sense of agency. Being able to accomplish something makes people feel competent.”
For a lot of younger people who spent the summer cooped up with parents and siblings instead of hanging out with friends, facing online learning this fall might seem pretty bleak. But it’s important, Pao says, to find ways to stay connected with others and the world in these shifting times.
‘No effort is too small’
Even if you are busy, you can find ways to manage stress and build resilience, says Pao. It’s critical to stay connected to others — keep a journal, get a work buddy. Make masks or volunteer if you can. Most importantly, she says, ask for help when you need it. The National Institute of Mental Health has a variety of resources to help people cope with the mental health challenges of COVID-19. Harvard University does, too.
While the uncertain time frame of COVID-19 may be putting an extra strain on people, having to struggle through adversity for an indefinite period of time is not new. People have lived through other pandemics, wars, and natural disasters.
“Humans are incredibly adaptable,” Pao said. “It takes a little while for the brain to adjust, but it does.”
How are you?
Today’s wellness tip is an excerpt from “What to Ask Instead of ‘How are you?’ During a Pandemic“ by Ashley Fetters.
The coronavirus pandemic and its effects are dramatic and widespread enough that it’s safe to assume everyone’s life has changed for the worse in some way. This moment has laid bare the extent to which “How are you?” is a mere pleasantry and not an honest inquiry in search of an honest answer. To ask “How are you?” is either to make the conversation very gloomy, very fast or to force someone to lie straight to your face and say they’re fine. We need better questions to ask.
There is precedent for adjusting what’s customary or polite in extraordinary times. Lizzie Post, a co-president of the Emily Post Institute, pointed out to me that a World War II – era edition of Emily Post’s Etiquette included a special wartime supplement. A lot of what was considered proper before World War II seemed downright rude after the war began – and the same has happened to certain social rituals in the coronavirus era. Offering a hug or a handshake is no longer a polite way to greet someone. Keeping your distance from a friend you see at the grocery store and crossing the street when you encounter another person on the sidewalk are now among the most considerate things you can do.
In those conversations where “How are you?” functions as a perfunctory greeting and nothing more, it’s time to just drop the question altogether and ask something else. Other questions might work better as a conversational warm-up or quick check-in. Deborah Tannen, a linguistics professor at Georgetown University is partial to “What am I interrupting?” as a conversation starter for phone calls. Meanwhile, Emily Rine Butler, who teaches linguistics at the University of Florida, recommends “Are you still holding up okay?,” which can work as a succinct check-in before moving the discussion to other matters: It tacitly acknowledges the circumstances but nudges the respondent toward a succinct yes-or-no (or “More or less!”) answer. In my own conversations, I like to go with “What’s your day been like so far?,” which moves the long-term circumstances into the backdrop and asks for only a small, trivial morsel of information.
But with close friends and family, especially, continuing the mutual charade of “I’m fine, thank you” can seem pointless when both sides know that neither of them is fine. If we want to take the extra step to show our loved ones that we’re really asking, though, and not just greeting them as we might have done in normal times, reaching for a question that more explicitly asks after their emotional or psychological well-being might help. “How are you coping?,” for instance, signals that you don’t expect whomever you’re talking with to be doing great, and that you are genuinely curious about how they’re handling things. “What’s been on your mind lately?” suggests openness to a deeper conversation. You might also follow up on a worry or concern they’ve mentioned before, and check in on how they’re feeling about it now.
However you choose to start your conversations, perhaps the most important thing is to ask a genuine question that invites a genuine answer. One of the kindest gestures we can extend to others in a time like this is to make clear that they don’t have to pretend they’re fine.