“I’m pregnant!” I thought to myself excitedly in December, but the excitement quickly dissipated when I flashed forward to the anxiety laden weeks ahead.
Pregnancy after a miscarriage is scary. Exciting, but scary. It’s filled with the unknowns and the “what ifs.” For me, finding out I was pregnant again, after many losses left me with a roller coaster of emotions. Each little ache and pain I had stirred a barrage of questions in my head. Adding to the anxiety was deciding on when to tell others, which felt like the most momentous decision ever. It’s not that you’re trying to hide anything; it’s just a self-protective measure. Why allow yourself and others to get excited, knowing what the outcome has been so many times before…right? My husband and I were to the point that we would just laugh and tell each other we’d see how long this one lasted. You realize you become desensitized to the whole situation and develop some odd ways of coping with the uncertainty. Unfortunately, pregnancy loss takes the innocence out of being pregnant.
Over the past year and a half, for mine and my family’s sake, I had to start placing less emphasis on my losses and more on what I do have in life. The last step for us was to seek some medical advice on what else could be causing our losses. So in the pursuit to find answers and make some decisions, my husband and I were presented with some fertility options that were too outside of our comfort zone. At that time we decided if we only had our son Dillon, he would be more of a blessing than we ever deserve. So I kept myself busy and resigned to the “que sera sera” mantra regarding the whole pregnancy thing. Well, wouldn’t you know, lo and behold, a whole week later, I found out I was pregnant! I told my husband New Year’s Day and so far 2014 has been good to us. With each ultrasound and flutter of movement I feel, I get more excited and more hopeful. I am now 17 weeks along and things are going great.
After my fist loss at 16 weeks, I was connected with the Woman’s Place at the Pavilion which offers assistance during reproductive loss and grief. After my subsequent losses at nine weeks and three at only five weeks, I was referred to the Maternal Fetal Medicine Department for further testing, where everything checked out ok. Along my journey to this pregnancy, I have had the best care from the Pavilion. From the Family Fertility Center, to the additional ultrasounds with the Maternal Fetal Medicine department, they have all helped put my mind at ease that much more. Knowing the care I need is literally around the corner is so comforting.
The reason I wanted to share my story was to try and offer hope to the many women out there whose stories are like mine and need some encouragement. I wanted to let these women know there is hope, and they should never feel ashamed, or feel like a failure for a pregnancy not going to term. It took me many months to figure this out and to start letting go of some of the guilt, sadness, anger, and heartbreak that are common after a miscarriage. My healing came through reading the stories of women online, or talking with coworkers who suffered miscarriages and know what pregnancy loss feels like. That it feels like the loss of hopes and dreams you’ve made for your baby, or the loss of a bond you formed the moment you knew you were going to be a mom. Please know time will make the pain easier but never make you forget, and that’s ok…why would you want to forget about your baby? Above all else, I wrote this post so women will know there is hope after loss…if they choose to keep their heart open to the possibility.
So how do you handle being pregnant again after a loss? For me, it’s getting through one day and one milestone at a time. Surpassing the time of my first miscarriage was the biggest challenge of all, and now that I have, I can take a deep breath and enjoy this pregnancy. I think about how differently this pregnancy feels, and try to focus on that. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know worrying all the time won’t help my little one. So therefore, I choose to accept each day with this baby as a gift; a very special gift that has the ability to make the heartache less and less, and make my heart fill abundantly with joy being it’s mommy.
Rhea HoSang Celestin is a staff nurse in the Clinical Care Center.